Updated: Feb 10
Since Tuesdays are about stories, stories and personal anecdotes about love and intimacy; about our connection with others, it only fits that on this first of many Tuesdays, I write about Love's Dialogue. And I want to tell you about how it came to be and the reasons that led me to conceptualise this idea - this is its personal story - it is its biography.
First, the reasons: I was lost, I had endured the kind of betrayal that hurts more than can be written simply without reaching into a part of my past that changed me for the worse. I was broken. The disloyalty; the perfidy I experienced at the hands of people I loved showed me an ability to hate I did not think possible, or even relevant to my life, which until then, had been quite interesting to say the least. However, like all strong emotions in my experience, this too was ephemeral.
Consequently, a different need for catharsis arose. I had to learn to forgive; I hadn't the need to do it before and could not imagine the ability to do it. But I instinctively knew that I could not forget what had happened to me, I understood that forgiveness would be a product of that healing I desperately sought. Being bound by hate to certain emotions and behaviours is heavy, it holds you down in a state of dullness, it is difficult to feel anything other than your hate. I let it go. And in that subsequent state, in which my hatred had dissolved into a relaxed and subtle need for revenge - I started planning.
And planning my revenge was indeed cathartic, it gave me a point to focus my mental energy. Mine was an extensive plan to expose those who had injured me. I knew two things were necessary for this revenge to be served properly to the ones who, in my opinion, deserved the weight of my intellectual wrath. One, I had to have evidence of my plan (this evidence had to be accessible to anyone taking the time to see it correctly, it had to be cryptic to the unwilling eyes and hearts merely looking for poetry.). Second, I needed a place to put that evidence and eliminate the possibility of doubt by those who questioned it.
Here was the birth of Love's Dialogue, its inception surrounded by negative emotions and their impact on my behaviour. Yes, its life began as a tool for revenge, and after serving that purpose well, it morphed into something different: an avenue to understanding the forces behind the most powerful of all concepts - love.
In honest retrospect, it was love that set me on that collision course with my hate. It was the broken connection to people I loved deeply that pushed me to become that dull receptacle of angry memories. Like I said before on Love's Dialogue, the loss of love doesn't change you, it reveals you, and in me, it showed a power that if I hadn't tapped into, I would not be who I am today.
Love's Dialogue is still my special capsule where I have and continue to leave breadcrumbs leading back to my truth, a truth that only some deserve to know, but everyone should benefit from.